Fang

January 05, 2019

(Photo: Deblina Dube)

The metro station was bustling with the evening crowd, each and everyone here was rushing towards their warm cozy nests to their loved ones waiting for them. I might be the only one who was sitting there like a lost bird helplessly looking at people but no one even has the time to wonder why a well dressed young women in her 20's be sitting in a metro station alone. I do this every day, this gives me a certain kind of peace.

I am Jane, I know what you are thinking quite an uncommon name for an Indian woman, yes it is my mom surprisingly used to be a huge fan of Jane Austen and here I am being named after her. I like my name though, it is like the picture of my whole life depicted through just one single word, Unique may be rare. I sit on the same chair in this metro station at exactly 6 pm and observe people, quite an unusual hobby isn't it, I know but see I have no one in my life that I can call my own someone or rely on. I am lonely maybe not always but most of the time and that is why I have made this as my hobby observing people.

Nowadays I feel stories passing by me not people, I can see the sadness through those smiles, the tears they are trying to hide through their glasses, those worries they try to avoid but that small crinkle in between their eyebrows betray them. There are others those who are so happy that you can feel the happiness radiating from them strongly, their faces glowing eyes beaming. I saw an old woman that day holding a young man's hand while sitting on the metro bench, I could feel the happiness radiating from her as if she was holding her world within those frail hands. And another day I saw a man crying, no one saw him but I did he was trying desperately to hide but could not control his tears, I could feel the pain how much hurt he must have been to cry with so many people around, but again I saw that young man a few days later with a smile, which also gave me hope that I can be happy too. These stories are sustaining me here providing me with the essence in life to go on as I have no one to live for, all of these people around me have their own heaven and hell, many of them have no one but still they are holding on to life like it is the last thing they have then why can't I.

But still I sometimes lose my grip on reality, like today when I got out of the metro station and it was raining everyone around me took their umbrellas out and pulled their loved ones close while running towards the shelters or their busses and I was the only one standing there alone with no one close to me. I felt so desperate to end my life but suddenly I remembered that someone was waiting at home who will never understand why I didn't come home. I pulled my foot from the road controlled myself and went home.

I could feel his anticipation while I was opening the door and as the door opened he jumped right on my lap Barking loudly, at that time I could see the happiness in Fang's eyes as if he is holding his own world with those little paws. How can I be so cruel, who am I to take his world from him. At that moment I felt like yes there was someone who loves me more than he loves himself.

~ Deblina Dube

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