LEARNING TO LET GO...

February 02, 2019

(Photo: Google pics)

As teenage dawned upon my life and Cupid arrived to shot the divine arrow, I was invaded by love. But being immatured and unaware of the alien feelings inside I decided not to elicit any response in the beginning. I joined a coaching class where I saw her for the first time. The very first day she was sitting just beside me! We introduced ourselves and I don’t remember when those formal talks changed into laughter and fun in such a small interval. And as I was returning home that day and for the remaining week I spent most of the time making sense of the new feelings that had started blossoming.

Our friendship deepened but in a different way. I don’t know why but I started feeling shy, maybe she too, and those large bundles of gossips turned into a few talks and a strange silence that seemed to communicate our thoughts more efficiently. One day it happened that I was so much trapped in the psychological game that I was forced to ask myself, ”Are you in love?”. And my dumb intellect answered, “Its nothing like that, you have grown up in a boys school and this is the first time you are interacting with a girl , so…”

Days, weeks and months rolled by. She had become the source of my inspiration, being a bright student and above all a good person, and the sink of my sorrows. Although we had joined the coaching institute for competing with each other, I never included her in my list, but still giving the best in academics. As the annual exams came knocking the doors and my mind waves had to be settled a little for good performance that there was a sudden explosion of knowledge. I was scribbling through my memories and now I could make out that those simple smiles at me, her secret glances at me in the crowds, both speaking out the same words suddenly, or half spelt sentences fading out in shyness and bowing down of the heads are the very treasures of this materialistic world. This is a door to bliss and ecstasy, a transcendence to some higher dimensions which is untouched by sufferings of any kind. So a few years later (myself being an introvert), one fine morning I decided to confess as the new academic session would begin. Moreover there was a lot to share as we weren’t in touch in this holiday.

And guess what happened. Just the very way a typical love story introduces a twist, I too had lost the opportunity to express. She being very popular, her updated relationship status was in air. My matured intellect now seemed to repent and thus replied, “Dust thou art, unto dust shall thou returnest”. Now that the matured heart longed for expression, my intellect ordered for suppression. Interfering with a couple after all doesn’t seem to be a good idea. I realized my foolishness, I realized the preciousness of time that had swept away for ever. I was just left with a few golden moments and the memories of the innocent smiles and gossips. Although our friendship didn’t change externally, but inside me was a faithless world crying with tears of repentance. How careless I was, so unconscious of the drama that I am a part of!

Frankly speaking I was never jealous of her being in relation with someone else. But that very day I realized my friendship with her is so different and that there were no other girls with whom I interacted so much passionately. That pure joy in her vicinity which I misinterpreted to be a play of hormones didn’t come from any other girl. So a few months later I decided to express my feelings but in the attitude of gratification and thankfulness for making my simple days so special.

So I did. Still trying to build up my broken pieces, dusting those heavenly moments everyday with tearless eyes and a responsible mind is how the days fleet by. Little relieved after the confession and her shocking reply that she too waited for me to speak up but now cannot afford to deceive his boyfriend, that I bow down to nature for giving me such a nice companion who taught this foolish boy love. Interestingly it never was rooted in any sort of expectations or commitments which provided tremendous strength and joy to us.

And as I sit in the balcony staring at the stars, the fireflies come and seem to whisper in my ears- even in this vast arena of attachments, there is no bondage, still we all are unified in our fundamental nature. Liberation leads to unification. So at the end you must learn to sit back quietly, immersing all your ego and ambitions and learn to die. To learn to let go is to learn to die, to learn to die is to be liberated. In that world shall we meet again with that same innocence and finish all our unfinished sentences.

~ Sutirtha

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